Do you struggle to stay motivated in life? I do. Throughout my life, my motivation has fluctuated. I undertake a new job, hobby, project, idea, whatever the fuck – I’m eager, consistent, determined, optimistic. I finally feel like I have my feet planted on the ground.
At first, I work hard. I try to be the best at whatever it is that I’m doing. But this doesn’t last. Boredom kicks in. I stop putting in the effort. I procrastinate. My motivation falters. Before I know it, I’ve given up on something else once again.
This has occurred since as early as I can remember. When I was a child, I would try out different hobbies: chess, karate, violin etc. I excelled at them. I was quick to learn, quick to succeed, but even quicker to give up when I grew bored.
In high school, I was in the top sets for every subject. Not to toot my own horn, but I was a smart kid who never properly applied himself. In my GCSE’s, I achieved grades much lower than expected because I didn’t have the motivation to revise.
It has been a flaw of mine I carried with me into adulthood. Now, it burdens me everywhere I go. I struggle to maintain jobs because I quickly lose interest then feel overwhelmingly trapped. I try, I work hard, I give up, and then I’m back to square one.
Even now, I’m writing this with no real motivation. I began this year ready to change my life, to form a blog, to try to become a professional writer. I started out strong, writing consistently, uploading my work online, pumped to create the next blog straight away. Yet, again, my motivation has gradually dwindled, and this is the first thing I’ve written in weeks. I even had big ideas to make documentaries, but in hindsight, I realise those ideas might be too big for a man like me.
This won’t be a long blog because I honestly can’t think of what to write. Fellow writers call it, ‘writer’s block’, but for me, it isn’t that, it’s just my damaged personality. There will come a point in weeks or months where my focus will come back, but unfortunately, I don’t know when that will be.
So, for now, all I can do is push myself even when all I want to do is nothing. In times like this, I feel hopeless, wondering, will this go on forever? Am I forever destined to be my own worst enemy? Forever destined to fail at life?
I have so many ideas that I reach out to grab, but I never hold onto them for long. They slip from my palm like putty, sink to the ground then collapse into dust. When will one idea flourish? When will just one retain my grip and blossom tall until it touches the sun? I won’t give up. One day, I hope to achieve success. Because thankfully, hope is the last thing to die.